drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
