Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
