hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
