god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
