My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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