how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just had sex on a roof
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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