____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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