what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize