if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It's never too late to be topless.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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