Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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