you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I deserve this hangover.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
