dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
