you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
