I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Randomize
