ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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