so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
i think i just lost a toe
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize