did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
