Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
