Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
