he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Randomize
