do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize