If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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