Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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