i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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