I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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