i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
