Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Randomize
