Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
