Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
