my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He shit in the fireplace
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