Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
