WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
did i just pee glitter
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
