I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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