she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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