my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
foreskin is a definite game changer
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Ladies don't puke and tell
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
