I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
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