Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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