i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i black out too much to be "responsible"
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
