Kareoke will never be a sober sport
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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