Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
