xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
