I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
