that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
