apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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