you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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