Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
