I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
