I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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