If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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