i need an iv and a liver transplant
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
