DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
