my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
