i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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