we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
how drunk are you?
Several
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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