Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
