There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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