very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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