look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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