Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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