i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
