How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
