I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
