wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
