just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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