Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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